February 2012
28 posts
Dear Coke Talk: On a real man. →
dearcoketalk:
In your last post, you mentioned men “drinking rye whiskey cocktails like they were some kind of Don Draper starter kit.” I laughed, and it reminded me of a recent conversation I had. The guy informed me that “real men only drink beer.” Coke Talk, where do people get such ideas? I told him that…
it will just take 26,848 hours
——————— From: Me To: J.G. the White Cc: Amandrine Garcon Subject: RE: Contact Form
It will take 4 hours, provided whatever hosting server we end up putting it on doesn’t have stupid-flavored email.
Me
————————————— From: J.G. the White To: Me Cc: Amandrine Garcon Subject: RE:...
I take pleasure in rejecting your time.
——-Original Message——- From: Projector OPS [mailto:noreplies@projectorpsa.com] Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2012 10:30 AM To: Me Subject: You have rejected time for the week of 5-Feb-2012
Dear Slave,
Caitlin has rejected one or more time cards that you have submitted for the week of 5-Feb-2012 for the following reason:
please bill to 2012 Maintenance- General Site...
it makes my eyes bleed
Ministress of Tasks: slave
Me: Eternal Creator of My Woes Unfathomable?
Ministress of Tasks: we must discuss Perri's departure
Ministress of Tasks: and the status of your tasks
Me: NO! not that, anything but that ministress
Me: i cant bear it
Ministress of Tasks: you must
Ministress of Tasks: please cry while we do it
Ministress of Tasks: it will be beautiful
Me: her departure shrivels my black heart into shreds of dust
Ministress of Tasks: stop lying, you no longer have a heart!
Ministress of Tasks: i ripped that from you eons ago
Me: thats true...
Me: maybe i was speaking metaphorically
Me: would you like me to visit you in your chamber of terror?
Ministress of Tasks: yes
Ministress of Tasks: you may approach.
Me: may i come armed for my protection?
Ministress of Tasks: no
Me: okay
Ministress of Tasks: and do not look me in the eyes
Me: i try not to, it makes my eyes bleed
KNEEL TO ME, FEEBLE HUMANITY
Me: ministress
Ministress: slave
Me: i have a new ingenious plan for your rulership
Me: do you wish to learn of it
Ministress: of course
Me: [REDACTED] FOR PUBLIC OFFICE, DECEMBER 2012
Me: i will make campaign flyers
Me: and you will have slogans
Me: like KNEEL TO ME, FEEBLE HUMANITY
Ministress: i think that is a genius idea
Me: does it redeem my perri ineptitudes
Ministress: no, not at all
Me: sigh, what if I got perri a helicopter for her going away party
Me: ministress you have a brother?!
Me: i thought that our unnameable lord and master only made females
Ministress: i do have a brother
Me: is he smaller and less frightening in demeanor than you and your sisters, like praying mantis males
Ministress: no, he is actually quite large and terrifying as well
Me: you continue to awe and shock ministress
Me: every day
Garrett shaved his beard
Spacecat Eric: Garrett shaved!
Spacecat Eric: did you see
Me: NOOOOOO
Spacecat Eric: no longer Riker
Spacecat Eric: sorry
Me: that means our episodes are going to suck
Me: from now on
Spacecat Eric: yes
Me: yuck it's like when tasha yar showed up
Me: that blonde slut
Anonymous asked: I want to design a Wordpress site. Where should I begin? Love, Lady Island.
Anonymous asked: Have you ever used Adobe Muse? Love, Lady Island.
Anonymous asked: What is the difference between a google font and the web version of a regular font, e.g. futura web font? Love, Lady Island.
forever sharp guillotines
Me: ministress
Ministress of Tasks: slave
Me: this morning, i stuck my arm into my aquarium to search for my fish named Katie
Me: because i hadnt seen her for a long time
Me: but she was in fact alive
Ministress of Tasks: that's a shame
Ministress of Tasks: i would have welcomed your tears of sorrow
Me: Katie wanted to say hello because she's a big fan
Me: she tried to bite me when my fingers got close
Ministress of Tasks: i approve of this Katie
Me: can we name the new office manager Katie even if her name isn't Katie
Ministress of Tasks: no
Me: i thought i might ask just in case you got tired and assented out of weariness
Ministress of Tasks: never
Me: yes then i remembered that you never tire, kind of like one of those forever sharp guillotines
Minitress of Tasks: exactly like one of those
On Sincerity, or Letters to Andrew Rohman,...
What is the equal to treachery, that act so complete in its sincerity that the bard Dante, in his Romantic wisdom, consigned the greatest traitors in history—Judas Ischariot, Marcus Junius Brutus, and Gaius Cassius Longinus—to the lowest circle of Hell, beneath the frozen river Cocytus in the very maw of Satan to be chewed on for all eternity?
Why, my dear Andrew Rohman, it is that one act which...
On Sincerity, or Letters to Andrew Rohman,...
We are talking about betrayal, Andrew Rohman. Not deceit; not wickedness of a general kind, no, but unadulterated, calculated malice, the expert assassination of trust in the pursuit of personal gain. For in betrayal there is sincerity in its purest form, nothing less than premeditated evil, the perversion of loyalty and the cockroach of dispensation wriggling through an otherwise uncorrupt dish...
January 2012
67 posts
door is always open
Me: we'll be old soon eric
Me: and wrinkly
Me: soon
Spacecat Eric: eh not that wrinkly
Spacecat Eric: I plan on living to 150
Me: you could join my Ali cult
Me: we drink orphan blood
Spacecat Eric: no
Spacecat Eric: I will eat right and exercise
Spacecat Eric: thanks for the invitation tho
Me: no prob
Me: door is always open
Spacecat Eric: yeah
On Sincerity, or Letters to Andrew Rohman,...
Nothing quite fits as snugly as a marriage band or a noose. The only difference between the two is who’s putting it on you. (At least at the outset.) Most honorable Reverend Andrew Rohamn, who in the dreary solitude of the white page has patiently endured my unforgiving polemic, the dire time is upon us, the moment where after taking a stab in the dark we exclaim “How now! a...
the lost christmas missives: frank heiss
Those of you I know very little about I have lumped together in an imaginary Hollywood blockbuster, which is set an alternate present, where humanity has been overrun by an army of rampaging Jimbo Baltikaukases who grew up to become forest rangers instead of .NET programmers, and there is only one RedBox left in all the world. But it is filled with copies of Fargo, which is somewhat relevant to...
desecration of my coffee cup
The Ministress of Tasks: slave
The Ministress of Tasks: did you have something to do with the desecration of my coffee cup?
Me: hello Exquisite Maker of My Multifaceted Dooms
Me: your coffee cup, by "coffee cup" do you mean a receptacle of liquids?
The Ministress of Tasks: yes
The Ministress of Tasks: i do
Me: or do you mean, "coffee cup" as in, that goblet out of which you sup the blood of orphans?
The Ministress of Tasks: that too
The Ministress of Tasks: same thing
Me: now by "desecrate," do you mean deface in a way that would impair your magnificence?
The Ministress of Tasks: yes, i do
Me: or do you mean, "plant a cactus"
The Ministress of Tasks: not that
The Ministress of Tasks: as far as i can tell, there is no cactus planted in my cup.
Me: now I must ask:
Me: by "something to do with" do you mean, did I travel backwards in time to the precise moment of your arrival, discover this cup you speak of, and tamper with it in some unspeakable manner?
The Ministress of Tasks: no
The Ministress of Tasks: i mean, did you take advantage of my momentary absence from this realm in order to deface something beloved and treasured, thereby invoking my wrath upon my return
Me: why certainly, ministress, if I were to have embarked on such an endeavor, the latter half of your sentence would not be my intention, so I would have to say no, I did not
The Ministress of Tasks: i ask not of your intentions, but only of your actions
Me: this "desecrate" verb disturbs me; now suppose I had handled this mug you describe
Me: I wouldn't call such handling "desecrate," per se
Me: I might call it "gently manipulating for some superior purpose"
The Ministress of Tasks: well, whoever did this handling left a mark upon it that cannot be removed
Me: impossible!
Me: can you describe this mark?
The Ministress of Tasks: letters
The Ministress of Tasks: that say
The Ministress of Tasks: "Oh the Places I've Been"
The Ministress of Tasks: a very clever play on the beloved Dr. Seuss
Me: but ministress, such words, were they affixed by a sticky label?
Me: if I may venture a guess
The Ministress of Tasks: aha!
The Ministress of Tasks: it WAS you
Me: well now now, let's not jump to conclusions
The Ministress of Tasks: are you telling me what to do?!
Me: oh of course not ministress!
Me: I am merely supposing that such a conclusion is the only logical one to arrive at, should letters have found themselves on your drinking device
Me: do you not find this letter vandalist clever for having used Dr. Seuss as his method of defacement?
The Ministress of Tasks: no
The Ministress of Tasks: i thought you were doing it
Me: if i were to imagine myself the culprit, I imagine I would first like to know which limb i'd be losing
Me: before i confessed
the lost christmas missives: cassell
Mister Castle, I promise I will not make a tall joke for the duration of this missive. Though it is very, very hard not to. You are indeed exceptionally tall, and it’s not like I can pretend you aren’t. I mean, in order to verify if the words coming out of your mouth are indeed being uttered by you, I have to wheel my chair a few meters back and then crane my neck to look up. But enough about...
On Sincerity, or Letters to Andrew Rohman,...
Reverend, dear sir, convenient for us to have met again in this drab quarter, you going about your holy business, me confessing away my sins. Suppose you would sit awhile and think with me about something vexing? All this time I have been going on about what’s “sincere,” and by extension what behavior ought to be done, if right behavior is sincere, that is. But maybe I’m...
From the Freelance Files: "The Lunatic Artiste"
The Inquiry:
I have all these ideas and projects I am involved with and people are constantly asking me where to find me on the internet. Besides a blog, youtube and soundcloud, I have nothing concrete. I have already purchased a domain name from google and am ready to get serious here. The domain name is… [REDACTED] (my “band”). Here are some digital representations of my life...
the lost christmas missives: pape
Ah Mister Pape, I do hope this note for Walmartmas 2066 has found you well. Do you remember when Genuine was but a wee corporate filing, those fifty-five years ago? When we filled plastic babes with vodka, and Ali was made of flesh and blood rather than titanium, before the company got bought out by Twitterbook Global? Those were the good old days. Now all we have to look forward to is more kids...
On Sincerity, or Letters to Andrew Rohman,...
In addition to being incredibly arrogant world-destroying lunatics, the members of this deplorable human race—I am forced to admit—are naturally cunning animals, perhaps the only ones on Earth capable of fabricating their own identities on the fly. And I don’t mean in the sort of way The Ministress of Tasks uses alien phermones to hide her true form from human males before she...
the lost christmas missives: arlin
Not surprisingly, the only place I have ever encountered a name like “Arlin” is in Lord of the Rings, the greatest fantasy film ever made. In my day, kids took classes for literary works like Lord of the Rings and Star Trek. We did scholarly things like write papers entitled “Third Order Declensions in Elvish and Klingon” and “The Sacred Feminine in Captain Kirk Fanfiction.” I even had a class in...
From the Freelance Files: "The Nigerian Scam...
The Inquiry:
I am not sure what I want, but this should help you to make a suggestions and give me a price. Every thing is at Godaddy I would like to have links to YouTube, Facebook, PayPal, and tracing, testimonials, services, legal, web traffic statistics, and so on, I need to be advise about it. I am thinking of selling African arts and crafts witch is made by the locals in the streets, this...
the lost christmas missives: justin
I have always found audiovisual people to be especially intriguing. There are many things I can’t do, like surfboarding, or driving a really big truck, or piloting a mastodon, or riding a bicycle, but more than any of these activities that shine with my incompetence, making neat videos and playing instruments that emit melodic sounds are paramount. I sometimes wonder, what body part is worth...
all your soirees and past indiscretions
Me: ministress
Ministress of Tasks: slave
Me: kristen has agreed to use my 8 hours today to begin working on your memoirs
Ministress of Tasks: i think that is a wise use of your time
Me: i will be writing in visceral detail about all your soirees and past indiscretions
Ministress of Tasks: there are many of those
Me: i noticed a lot of them end in bloodshed
Me: someone needs to set up a charity foundation for these poor gentlemen
Ministress of Tasks: nah, they'll be fine
Me: also, really ministress, a whole schoolbus of nuns!
Me: that's hardly discreet
Ministress of Tasks: they were totally asking for it!
Ministress of Tasks: fun fact--
Me: you were a nun?!
Ministress of Tasks: my first college was at a former monastery
Ministress of Tasks: and there was a nunnery across the way
Me: was it painful going to college every day
Me: with the holiness in such close proximity?
Ministress of Tasks: and there were rumors of underground tunnels connecting the two
Me: that sounds very buffy the vampire slayer
Me: except you would be paralleled with the Mayor who turns into a giant serpent and eats all the students
the lost christmas missives: nicole
Miss Nicole, I know absolutely nothing about you, apart from having gleaned that you came from Digitas, and that you are a designer. When I first learned you were hired when Megan abandoned us forever to Australia, this frustrated me, because Chris and John were adding employees faster than I could write these Christmas letters. Nevertheless, let me tell you a story about when I was ten years old....
From the Freelance Files: "The Real Estate Agent"
The Inquiry:
Looking to design a web site with data base that can sorted in multiple ways for a real estate company. The data base would be of apartments, Condo, and homes for rent or sales including pictures and or movies of the homes. I should be easy to do update.
Translation:
I have life-threateningly severe attention deficit disorder and am incapable of proofreading anything I write. This...
the lost christmas missives: the ministress of...
This Christmas, Ministress, I would like to ruminate on my memories of yesteryear, when you were but a wee tentacled horror skittering about the villager-ridden countryside like a zombie child in a people-flavored candy store. Back then, the prophecies of your coming to this accursed planet were still rumors, muttered fearfully by gibbering cabals of IBM cultists. Ascots were in vogue, the...
On Sincerity, or Letters to Andrew Rohman,...
Loyalty, Reverend Andrew Rohman, loyalty. The “L” word. I like to imagine you are a loyal sort of person, my dear sir, who has loved others (not with sincerity, of course, as we have established the unicornity of such behavior), and who has, with patient fealty, shouldered the indignities of his cohorts in exchange for their friendship.
FOOL!
Loyalty is a disease! A DEFECT! It is...
the lost christmas missives: cat
My little neon friend, I hope you enjoy your vintage ‘80s Lisa Frank lunch box, which I stole from an eleven year old girl yesterday afternoon at the YMCA. I learned of its provenance as the girl beat me repeatedly with her Hannah Montana umbrella and screamed, “Give me back my vintage 1980s Lisa Frank lunch box, you asshole!” but thankfully I narrowly escaped her brutal onslaught and sobering...
From the Freelance Files: "The Ivy League...
The Inquiry:
I’m a Yale student working on an advertising start-up that allows advertisers to focus unique attention on their featured products within a social framework. This venture is through the Yale Entrepreneurial Institute with mentor and adviser [REDACTED]. We’re looking for a partner to build the beta product and secure a first round of advertisers. I can provide negotiable...