May 2012
13 posts
you need to strengthen your problem solving/coping...
Johnny Idaho: http://fab.com/sale/6232/product/138883/
Me: ooo
Me: i saw ones like these on etsy
Johnny Idaho: i apologize if i just obliterated any budgets you may have had
Me: not this time idaho! i have taken special precautions against your budget treachery
Me: for example, i just stabbed my left hand
Me: so that i cant use my mouse
Johnny Idaho: meh. not my problem. you need to strengthen your problem solving/coping skills.
Johnny Idaho: or construct better budgets for "trivial" expenses
Me: this blood on MY hands is on YOUR hands
Me: ahahaa pun
Me: uh oh
Me: bleeding out
Star Turtle needed to tow planet →
IMs from my imaginary friend Tom
Tom: hey dude, what's up? how are u doin
Me: i'm fine
Tom: just wanted to say hello
Me: that's nice, what do you want
Tom: oh nothing, I promise. I don't need any slave labor, my ego massaged, or a free psychotherapist. i'm not even a real person, so I actually can't want anything. it's all simpatico, bro
Me: great, now what do you want
Not Your Kind of People Streaming!!! →
Tales from Trident Bookstore
She took a deep breath and exited the bathroom.
Gemma Lamar—an assumed name—returned to the gallery primped and proper, her fez hat in place and heavy pendant of unruly large plastic pearls wrapped around her abundant shoulders.
The gallery attracted a wealth of patrons. To the left wing was the “Squatting Lemur’s Prisms of Contemplative Glory,” an installation...
no planet is safe
Me: so for this documentation, how detailed do u want it to be... because all i have is like 5 steps.
Brittany the Sith Master: that should be fine, it's not super complicated
Brittany the Sith Master: i hope this new agency is able to read and figure things out
Me: they might be illiterate slug toads from Neptune
Brittany the Sith Master: could happen, i bet they have very low rates on Neptune
Me: almost as bad as Pluto, after the astronomical downsizing
Brittany the Sith Master: that's the reality of layoffs, my friend
Brittany the Sith Master: no planet is safe
“For all their maverick swagger, the Avengers are dutiful corporate citizens,...”
– A. O. Scott, New York Times Movie Review
April 2012
24 posts
i am not capable of being pleased
Me: Ministress! you grace the internet with your unspeakable presence
Ministress of Tasks (now departed): hello
Ministress of Tasks (now departed): how are you slave
Me: i am well, not quite suffering as much as I should be though
Me: which is to be expected in your absence
Me: this saddens me deeply
Ministress of Tasks (now departed): understandably
Ministress of Tasks (now departed): there are few who have my level of malevolence
Ministress of Tasks (now departed): are you keeping my memory alive?
Me: yes, every morning i paint my monitor with sheep's blood, then i don my black cowl and cape and make the rounds on the fourth floor
Me: preaching the gospel of the coming Unnameable Lord and Master
Me: usually i am pelted with tomatoes and plastic mice
Me: but i endure for your sake
Ministress of Tasks (now departed): you are doing well, and, while i am not capable of being pleased, you have at least not angered me with your actions
Me: that is more than I could hope for Ministress
now i'm back to having cirrhosis of the liver
Cat: happy you went?
Me: do you remember in LOTR when Gandalf dies
Me: and he goes through the portal of pure energy into the heavens
Me: that is what being at a Garbage concert is like.
Cat: rigggghttt
Me: yes
Cat: maybe
Me: in fact, when i got to arizona i was very sick, however once i was in Her presence all my illnesses were cured
Me: i could run ten miles, and cure blindness
Me: birds and squirrels and the like did my laundry and whenever i walked past dead flowers, they regenerated
Me: now i'm back to having cirrhosis of the liver
Cat: so you were snow white for a few days?
Me: yes
finesse
Mister Castle: hey
Me: hi
Mister Castle: so [EVIL DISINFECTANT COMPANY] sent us this sentence and said feel free to finese it: "Play to discover an innovative way to stop dirt from spreading around your kitchen!"
Me: it sounds fine to me
Mister Castle: that's what i said
Me: there's no "finessing" something as straightforward as that
Mister Castle: how do you finese that?
Me: Play fancifully to discover with utmost magnificence the supremely innovative and majestic way of ceasing the onslaught of dirt from enveloping wholly your illustrious and sacred kitchen space.
Me: there, finessed.
Mister Castle: alright
Mister Castle: alright
smoke a stogie on a spaceship
From: Me Sent: Monday, April 02, 2012 9:31 PM To: Svetch Subject: Adopt This Adorable Baby Manatee Orphan [Baby Animals]
http://gawker.com/5898497/adopt-this-adorable-baby-manatee-orphan
The part about casting off the iron chains of my cold heart reminded me of Ali and how she used to like eating baby manatees. Oh how I miss her.
————— Forwarded message...
“L’enfer, c’est les autres.”
– No Exit, Jean-Paul Sarte
March 2012
8 posts
the destroyed dreams of broken families
Me: all i ate today was some crackers and iced tea
Me: oh and some sour patch kids i found in my jacket pocket
Davidium: all i ate today were the destroyed dreams of broken families.
“Sweet is sweet, bitter is bitter, hot is hot, cold is cold, color is color; but...”
– Democritus
the maximum amount of suffering available
The Ministress of Tasks (now departed): don't be sad slave
The Ministress of Tasks (now departed): you will still be able to feel my malevolent presence
The Ministress of Tasks (now departed): no matter where you are
Me: that is true ministress, a small consolation
Me: a teeny one like the size of a pebble that some poor bastard swallowed before choking to death in a pool of his own slime
The Ministress of Tasks (now departed): yes just like that
Me: i will place your altar on the bar during first friday
The Ministress of Tasks (now departed): i hope to leave with you just enough hope to keep you alive, but with the maximum amount of suffering available
Me: i would settle for nothing less ministress
The Ministress of Tasks (now departed): good, good
February 2012
31 posts
not high enough for death
Idaho: how is it up on the 5th floor?
Me: same as always idaho
Me: just high enough for defenestration
Me: but not high enough for death
