wumpuses

On 12/15/2010 11:45 AM, Ali wrote:

Hi everyone - just a reminder that we’ll be having a lunch and learn today in the Thunderdome.

It will start a few minutes after lunch gets here.

- Ali

——

From: DQ
Sent: Wednesday, December 15, 2010 11:50 AM
To: Ali
Subject: Re: Lunch and Learn Today - Thunderdome

ali, may i have a pony for christmas

- DQ

—-

On 12/15/2010 11:51 AM, Ali wrote:

Um, well. Where would you keep said pony if you got him?

- Ali

—-

Subject: Re: Lunch and Learn Today - Thunderdome

in the room next to my desk or in the beanbag chamber

- DQ

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On 12/15/2010 11:53 AM, Ali wrote:

No.

- Ali

—-

Subject: Re: Lunch and Learn Today - Thunderdome

if I had said next to your desk or in the Thunderdome would you have
said yes

- DQ

—-

On 12/15/2010 11:54 AM, Ali wrote:

No.

You cannot keep a pony inside of the office. Violates health code.

- Ali

—-

Subject: Re: Lunch and Learn Today - Thunderdome

we can keep the pony a secret

- DQ

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On 12/15/2010 11:58 AM, Ali wrote:

Oh, in that case.

Yes, you may have a pony for Christmas.

What will you name him?

- Ali

—-

Subject: Re: Lunch and Learn Today - Thunderdome

Katie.

- DQ

——-Original Message——-
From: Ali
Sent: Monday, December 06, 2010 2:31 PM
To: All
Subject: Happy Birthday Parts 2 and 3

Happy Birthday to Leslie and Matt!

Mint Julep Cupcakes and Mocha Rum Brownies are on the bar (if you don’t want alcohol, take one of the cupcakes without chocolate sauce on it. if you want more alcohol, please put more chocolate sauce on your cupcake)

- Ali

——-

Ministress, I have come up with a name for your baking service other than “boozecakes”:

HELLCAKES.

- DQ

——-

Slave - this is the best idea ever.

I will start my own line of bakeries that serves hell cakes. Some will be delicious and used as rewards for obedient slaves. Others will truly be hell cakes, disguised as a treat and used as mind games and punishment. You will always be wondering whether you get a delicious baked good, or an awful concoction containing a variety of bad tastes and small metal pieces.

I like this.

- Ali

——-

Ministress, your deviousness precedes you, I shall be the first to purchase a hellcake and hope for the best.

- DQ

——-

I just came up with one called the RinTinTin.

It will be a wonderful chocolate cupcake with creamy frosting. As you bite into it, you get a hint of something special inside - maybe a little more chocolately goodness? As you take a bigger bite, rather than chocolatey goodness, you actually get a mouthful of tinfoil. 

You must finish the entire hellcake.

- Ali

——-

Ministress, that is a truly immaculately horrible concoction.

I add to your list the following hellcakes which I have just now conceived of:

• Death by Bleach Frosting
• Pine Nettle Liver Sweetie
• Gillette Pie
• Poison Oakie
• Please for the Love of God Make the Bleeding Stop
• Yummy Entrails
• The Pincushion

- DQ

——-

This will be the best bakery ever! Will you be my test slave? 

I will need to perfect the amount of awfulness in each hellcake.

- Ali

——-

Why of course! My complete lack of free will and the circumstances of my enthrallment to your eternal damnation makes me a perfect test subject for your utterly corrupt and maleficent whims.

- DQ

——-

Hopefully I will be able to determine just the right amount of arsenic that will make you quiver, shake, and foam at the mouth without causing permanent brain or typing finger damage…

That will be my greatest challenge.

- Ali

——-

As the demons in France said before your avatar destroyed Paris with hellfire in the 15th century: You are an artiste. 

- DQ

——-Original Message——-
From: DQ
Sent: Tuesday, November 23, 2010 1:50 PM
To: ALL

Greetings [COMPANY REDACTED] Slaves

Per our last First Friday company meeting it was announced that some overlord in management had the bright idea to transform our annual Christmas party into a “Prom Night.” For weeks, the mere mention of this possibility has given me cold sweats at night and triggered violent flashbacks to the time I spent in the Gulf War with ex-[COMPANY REDACTED] developer [REDACTED] playing Bingo.

As a countermeasure for potential company-wide humiliation, I propose the theme for “Prom Night” be “ZOMBIE Prom Night,” which I hereby subtitle “A Night of Unholy Grotesquery and Horror Never Before Visited Upon Humankind.”

Thoughts?

DQ

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RE: Greetings [COMPANY REDACTED] Slaves

I thought the theme was “New Jersey Prom Night: everyone gets pregnant, even the dudes”

- M. Jesus H Christ M.

——-

RE: Greetings [COMPANY REDACTED] Slaves

Halloween was last month.

- Johnny Idaho

——-

RE: Greetings [COMPANY REDACTED] Slaves

Will there be bingo?

- Alex

——

RE: Greetings [COMPANY REDACTED] Slaves

- Andy M*$Fing Solo

————
From: DQ
Sent: Friday, November 12, 2010 4:04 PM
To: All Project Managers

Hi all,

Dr. Katz, Eli and I have put together a list of tags by which users
will be able to search on the new [REDACTED] site.

I need the people in this email to go into the following spreadsheet:

[REDACTED]

And look at each project that belongs to you and then check off every
tag in the list that applies to your project. If there’s something in
the project that’s not in the list, feel free to add it at the bottom so
everyone has access to that tag.

The projects are grouped by PM so you can just go to your name and then
check off tags for each of your projects.

tx,
DQ

————
On 11/24/2010 4:29 PM, Dr. Katz wrote:

Hey all - Can you please visit DQ’s spreadsheet by next Tuesday (link below) and check off the applicable boxes? It’s for the new website…

Many thanks!

————
From: DQ
Sent: Friday, November 12, 2010 4:04 PM
To: All Project Managers

Dear Overlords,

Below are progressively less enticing incentives to fill out our spreadsheet:

right away: Free candy
tomorrow: Free hugs
end of week: grimaces
next week:  Heather will break your kneecaps
weeks later: I’ll cover your desk in tinfoil and fill your wastebasket with moldy ham sandwiches from several Mondays ago

If you filled it out already, you’re invited to my secret party.

DQ