Miss Byron, whose surname brings to mind various dead literary figures: If I had a dollar for every person I knew who survived traveling through or living in Florida, I’d have three dollars, and I’d spend it on something frivolous, like three Krispy Cremes or the interest accrued on my student loans for two-tenths of a nanosecond. You see, at the end of the day, life is just like getting up on an early morning during your Christmas vacation in Daytona Beach, heading out to the Krispy Creme with that golden gleam of optimism burgeoning in your heart, only to discover that they paved the damned place to make way for a Super Walmart. But you get in line anyway, because while three dollars at Walmart won’t get you the best glazed confections made by human hands, it will get you ten dozen stale doughnuts, a free oil change, and thirty-eight pounds of mayonnaise.

Merry Christmas.