wumpuses

adventures in perriland

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 14:20:05 -0500

adventures in perriland

nevver: If PHP were British

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 13:41:26 -0500

nevver:

If PHP were British

Dear Coke Talk: On a real man.

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 16:21:52 -0500

Dear Coke Talk: On a real man.:

dearcoketalk:

In your last post, you mentioned men “drinking rye whiskey cocktails like they were some kind of Don Draper starter kit.” I laughed, and it reminded me of a recent conversation I had. The guy informed me that “real men only drink beer.” Coke Talk, where do people get such ideas? I told him that…

it will just take 26,848 hours

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 14:20:05 -0500

———————
From: Me
To: J.G. the White
Cc: Amandrine Garcon
Subject: RE: Contact Form

It will take 4 hours, provided whatever hosting server we end up putting it on doesn’t have stupid-flavored email.

—————————————
From: J.G. the White
To: Me
Cc: Amandrine Garcon
Subject: RE: Contact Form

It will be hosted on a TI-85 calculator that the client found in an old filing cabinet. Also needs to be responsive design (supporting TI calculators 80+ and Opera).

Please let me know if this revises the estimate (e.g. if it’ll take less time than anticipated).

J.G. the White

———————
From: Me
To: J.G. the White
Cc: Amandrine Garcon
Subject: RE: Contact Form

Oh really, well in that case we can do it, it will just take 26,848 hours

I will also need a one-way ticket to the Cayman islands and $30 million dollars

—————————————
From: J.G. the White
To: Me
Cc: Amandrine Garcon
Subject: RE: Contact Form

Sounds good – I will book your time for next week.

Thanks!

J.G. the White

I take pleasure in rejecting your time.

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 10:54:59 -0500

——-Original Message——-
From: Projector OPS [mailto:noreplies@projectorpsa.com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2012 10:30 AM
To: Me
Subject: You have rejected time for the week of 5-Feb-2012

Dear Slave,

Caitlin has rejected one or more time cards that you have submitted for the week of 5-Feb-2012 for the following reason:

please bill to 2012 Maintenance- General Site Edits

For more details, please visit the Time Entry.

——-Original Message——-
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2012 10:46 AM
To: Caitlin
Subject: RE: You have rejected time for the week of 5-Feb-2012

Sometimes Caitlin, I file these in the wrong place because it’s like mental exercise for PMs.

Me
Evil Marketing Company

——-Original Message——-
From: Caitlin
Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2012 10:47 AM
To: Me
Subject: RE: You have rejected time for the week of 5-Feb-2012

I appreciate the sentiment, and I take pleasure in rejecting your time.

Caitlin

From the New Library of Bob: Eric the Human Bookend

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 14:20:05 -0500

From the New Library of Bob: Eric the Human Bookend

Photo

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 13:20:20 -0500

it makes my eyes bleed

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 15:55:32 -0500

Ministress of Tasks: slave
Me: Eternal Creator of My Woes Unfathomable?
Ministress of Tasks: we must discuss Perri's departure
Ministress of Tasks: and the status of your tasks
Me: NO! not that, anything but that ministress
Me: i cant bear it
Ministress of Tasks: you must
Ministress of Tasks: please cry while we do it
Ministress of Tasks: it will be beautiful
Me: her departure shrivels my black heart into shreds of dust
Ministress of Tasks: stop lying, you no longer have a heart!
Ministress of Tasks: i ripped that from you eons ago
Me: thats true...
Me: maybe i was speaking metaphorically
Me: would you like me to visit you in your chamber of terror?
Ministress of Tasks: yes
Ministress of Tasks: you may approach.
Me: may i come armed for my protection?
Ministress of Tasks: no
Me: okay
Ministress of Tasks: and do not look me in the eyes
Me: i try not to, it makes my eyes bleed

Photo

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 12:40:02 -0500

Photo

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 14:20:06 -0500

Photo

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 11:40:06 -0500

Photo

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 17:12:13 -0500

entering your hours has never been creepier (courtesy of Rob B)

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 11:01:07 -0500

entering your hours has never been creepier (courtesy of Rob B)

KNEEL TO ME, FEEBLE HUMANITY

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 16:38:00 -0500

Me: ministress
Ministress: slave
Me: i have a new ingenious plan for your rulership
Me: do you wish to learn of it
Ministress: of course
Me: [REDACTED] FOR PUBLIC OFFICE, DECEMBER 2012
Me: i will make campaign flyers
Me: and you will have slogans
Me: like KNEEL TO ME, FEEBLE HUMANITY
Ministress: i think that is a genius idea
Me: does it redeem my perri ineptitudes
Ministress: no, not at all
Me: sigh, what if I got perri a helicopter for her going away party
Me: ministress you have a brother?!
Me: i thought that our unnameable lord and master only made females
Ministress: i do have a brother
Me: is he smaller and less frightening in demeanor than you and your sisters, like praying mantis males
Ministress: no, he is actually quite large and terrifying as well
Me: you continue to awe and shock ministress
Me: every day

YUP.

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 23:45:58 -0500

YUP.

Garrett shaved his beard

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:20:00 -0500

Spacecat Eric: Garrett shaved!
Spacecat Eric: did you see
Me: NOOOOOO
Spacecat Eric: no longer Riker
Spacecat Eric: sorry
Me: that means our episodes are going to suck
Me: from now on
Spacecat Eric: yes
Me: yuck it's like when tasha yar showed up
Me: that blonde slut

wumpuses

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 11:40:05 -0500

wumpuses

Photo

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 14:23:05 -0500

Photo

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 11:41:06 -0500

I want to design a Wordpress site. Where should I begin? Love, Lady Island.

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 17:38:33 -0500

Lady Island, when I first started playing Dungeons & Dragons in 7th grade, I did not ask myself, “Where do I begin to learn the difference between THACO and AC?” I asked myself, how much of my life will I devote to Dungeons & Dragons so that I may become the most excellent Dungeon Master who ever lived? To what stark end will I fling my immortal soul in pursuit of the everlasting game, that last bastion of fantasy to which we cling in the face of modern mundanity? Will I devote countless undergraduate hours to designing worlds with my role-playing kindred into the wee hours of the morning? Will I go to grad school to write my Masters thesis on the now-defunct Dragon Magazine and the powerful influence of role-playing games on the venerable print publishing industry?

WordPress can be within your grasp if you are willing to devote yourself to it fully, in the same way a fresh box of Twinkies beckons to you from a dark corner of your cupboard. Both have the potential to widen your midsection, unless of course you do a lot of cocaine, like I do.

If I were you, Lady Island, I would take it upon myself to have a specific goal in mind. Let’s say we were to create a unicorn website for your glittered-covered colleague, Cat. We would start by creating HTML templates that represent all possible layouts for her unicorn website, such as the landing page, where there are lots of unicorns grazing in a field of daisies, and the inner page, where we depict a single unicorn atop which sits a fair maiden. Then of course there are the other inner pages that are full of LOLcat spam and blinking banner ads. Once we had all of these HTML templates complete, we would be ready to transfer the markup to WordPress.

Of course, knowing HTML & CSS is only 1/2 of the magical, rainbow-colored journey that is constructing http://www.cats-unicorn-happiness.com. You also need to be familiar with basic PHP, which is what WordPress is primarily written in. You would go to WordPress.org—the website that hosts the open source WordPress software package, and download it. (WordPress.com—the commercial website that hosts blogs—is for losers.)

Using WAMP or a similar local development environment, you would set up WordPress on your computer (or if you don’t know what that means, just open a cheap hosting account and do it there). Then you can create a copy of the theme TwentyTen, (found in wp-content/themes/) or a similar theme you like which you can download from anywhere, and begin the arduous process of transferring the markup from your HTML templates to your theme.

Of course like most things in life, this is far more complicated than I’ve made it seem. However, WordPress.org’s “Codex” is an excellent guide for WordPress documentation. I personally prefer Googling anything and everything I don’t know. For example, just last weekend I learned exactly how many seconds it takes to suffocate someone to death with a turkey oven bag.

Also, let’s not forget the three dashing young fellows upstairs who could help you every step of the way.